Loving and Love in Marriage
Question : If love becomes destroyed
in Marriage, how are we to Live if we wish to share love and
thoughts on a day-today Basis, and also raise Children with both
a Mother And a Father?
Osho : I have never said that love
is destroyed by marriage. How can marriage destroy love? Yes, it
is destroyed in marriage, but it is destroyed by you, not by
marriage. It is destroyed by the partners. How can marriage
destroy love? It is you who destroy it, because you don't know
what love is. You simply pretend to know, you simply hope that
you know, you dream that you know, but you don't know what love
is. Love has to be learned; it is the greatest art there is. If
people are dancing and somebody asks you, 'Come and dance,' you
say, 'I don't know.'
You don't just jump up and start dancing and have everybody
think that you are a great dancer. You will just prove yourself
to be a buffoon. You will not prove yourself to be a dancer. It
has to be learned -- the grace of it, the movement of it. You
have to train the body for it. You don't just go and start
painting just because the canvas is available and the brush is
there and the colour is there. You don't start painting. You
say, 'All requirements are here, so I can paint. You can paint
-- but you will not be a painter that way.
You meet a woman -- the canvas is there. You immediately become
a lover -- you start painting. And she starts painting on you.
Of course you both prove to be foolish -- painted fools -- and
sooner or later you understand what is happening. But you never
thought that love is an art. You are not born with the art, it
is nothing to do with your birth. You have to learn it. It is
the most subtle art. You are born only with a capacity. Of
course, you are born with a body; you can be a dancer because
you have the body.
You can move your body and you can be a dancer -- but dancing
has to be learned. Much effort is needed to learn dancing. And
dancing is not so difficult because you alone are involved in
it. Love is much more difficult. It is dancing with somebody
else. The other is also needed to know what dancing is. To fit
with somebody, it is a great art. To create a harmony between
two persons... two persons mean two different worlds. When two
worlds come close, clash is bound to be there if you don't know
how to harmonise.
Love is harmony. And happiness, health,
harmony, all happen out of love. Learn to love. Don't be
in a hurry for marriage, learn to love. First become a great
lover. And what is the requirement? The requirement is that a
great lover is always ready to give love and is not bothered
whether it is returned or not. It is always returned, it is in
the very nature of things. It is just as if you go to the
mountains and you sing a song, and the valleys respond. Have
you seen an echo point in the mountains, in the hills?
You shout and the valleys shout, or you sing and the valleys
sing. Each heart is a valley. If you pour love into it, it will
respond. The first lesson of love is not to ask for love, but
just to give. Become a giver. And people are doing just the
opposite. Even when they give, they give only with the idea that
love should come back. It is a bargain. They don't share, they
don't share freely. They share with a condition. They go on
watching out of the corner of their eye whether it is coming
back or not. Very poor people... they don't know the natural
functioning of love.
You simply pour, it will come. And if it is not coming, nothing
to be worried about -- because a lover knows that to love is to
be happy. If it comes, good; then the happiness is multiplied.
But even if it never comes back, in the very act of loving you
become so happy, so ecstatic, who bothers whether it comes or
not? Love has its own intrinsic happiness. It happens when you
love. There is no need to wait for the result. Just start
loving. By and by you will see much more love is coming back to
you. One loves and comes to know what love is only by loving.
As one learns swimming by swimming, by loving one loves. And
people are very miserly. They are waiting for some great beloved
to happen, then they will love. They remain closed, they remain
withdrawn. They just wait. From somewhere some Cleopatra will
come and then they will open their heart, but by that time they
have completely forgotten how to open it. Don't miss any
opportunity of love. Even passing in a street, you can be
loving. Even to the beggar you can be loving. There is no need
that you have to give him something; you
can smile at least. It costs nothing -- but your very smile
opens your heart, makes your heart more alive.
Hold somebody's hand -- a friend or a stranger. Don't wait that
you will only love when the right person happens. Then the right
person will never happen. Go on loving. The more you love, the
more is the possibility for the right person to happen, because
your heart starts flowering. And a flowering heart attracts many
bees, many lovers.
You have been trained in a very wrong way. First, everybody
lives under a wrong impression that everybody is already a
lover. Just being born, you think you are a lover. It's not so
Yes, there is a potentiality, but the potentiality has to be
trained, disciplined. A seed exists, but it has to come to
flower. You can go on carrying your seed; no bee will be coming.
Have you ever seen bees coming to the seeds?
Don't they know that seeds can become flowers? But they come
when they become flowers. Become a flower, don't remain a seed.
Two people, separately unhappy, create more unhappiness for each
other when they come together. That's mathematical.
You were unhappy, your wife was unhappy and you both are hoping
that being together you both will become happy? This is... this
is such ordinary arithmetic -- like two plus two makes four. It
is that simple. It is not part of any higher mathematics; it is
very ordinary, you can count it on your fingers. You both will
You don't love me any more?' asked
Mulla Nasrudin's wife. 'You
never say anything nice to me any more like you used to when we
were courting.' She wiped a tear from her eye with the corner of
'I love you, I love you,' retorted
Mulla Nasrudin. 'Now will you
please shut up and let me drink my beer in peace?'
Courting is one thing. Don't depend on courting. In fact before
you get married, get rid of courting. My suggestion is that
marriage should happen after the honeymoon, never before it.
Only if everything goes right, only then marriage should happen.
Honeymoon after marriage is very dangerous. As far as I know,
ninety-nine percent of
marriages are finished by the time the honeymoon is finished.
But then you are caught, then you have no way to escape. Then
the whole society, the law, the court -- everybody is against
you if you leave the wife, or the wife leaves you. Then the
whole morality, the religion, the priest, everybody is against
In fact society should create all barriers possible for marriage
and no barrier for divorce. Society should not allow people to
marry so easily. The court should create barriers -- live with
the woman for two years at least, then the court can allow you
to get married. Right now they are doing just the reverse. If
you want to get married, nobody asks whether you are ready or
whether it is just a whim, just because you like the nose of the
woman. What foolishness! One cannot live by just a long nose.
After two days the nose will be forgotten.
Who looks at one's own wife's nose? I have heard:
A certain ward was staffed completely by nurses who looked as
though they were finalists in the Miss World Contest, but every
time one of the patients saw them, he stared intently and said,
The man in the next bed could not understand it at all.
'Gorgeous nurses like these to look after you and all you can
say is "Rubbish". Why?'
'I was not thinking of the nurses,' said the other sadly, 'I was
thinking of my wife.'
The wife never looks beautiful, the husband never looks
beautiful. Once you are aquainted, beauty disappears.
Two persons should be allowed to live together long enough to
become aquainted, familiar with each other. And even if they
want to get married, they should not be allowed. Then divorces
will disappear from the world. The divorces exist because
marriages are wrong and forced. The divorces exist because
marriages are done in a romantic mood. A romantic mood is good
if you are a poet -- and poets are not known to be good husbands
or good wives. In fact poets are almost always bachelors.
They fool around but they never get caught, and hence their
romance remains alive. They go on writing poetry, beautiful
poetry. One should not get married to a woman or to a man in a
poetic mood. Let the prose mood
come, then settle. Because the day-to-day life is more like
prose than like poetry. One should become mature enough.
Maturity means that one is no more a romantic fool. One
understands life, one understands the responsibility of life,
one understands the problems of being together with a person.
One accepts all those difficulties and yet decides to live with
the person. One is not hoping that there is only going to be
heaven, all roses. One is not hoping nonsense; one knows reality
is tough. It is rough. There are roses, but far and few in
between; there are many thorns. When you have become alert to
all of these problems and still you decide that it is worthwhile
to risk and be with a person rather than to be alone, then get
married. Then marriages will never kill love, because this love
is realistic. Marriage can kill only romantic love.
And romantic love is what people call 'puppy love'. One should
not depend on it. One should not think about it as nourishment.
It may be just like ice-cream. You can eat it sometimes, but
don't depend on it. Life has to be more realistic, more prose.
And marriage itself never destroys anything. Marriage simply
brings out whatsoever is
hidden in you -- it brings it out. If love is hidden behind you,
inside you, marriage brings it out. If love was just a
pretension, just a bait, then sooner or later it has to
And then your reality, your ugly personality comes up. Marriage
simply is an opportunity, so whatsoever you had to bring out
will come out. I am not saying that love is destroyed by
marriage. Love is destroyed by people who don't know how to
love. Love is destroyed because in the first place love is not.
You have been living in a dream. Reality destroys that dream.
Otherwise love is something eternal, part of eternity. If you
grow, if you know the art, and you accept the realities of
love-life, then it goes on growing every day.
Marriage becomes a tremendous opportunity
to grow into love. Nothing can destroy love. If it is
there, it goes on growing. But my feeling is, it is not there in
the first place. You misunderstood yourself; something else was
there. Maybe sex was there, sex appeal was there. Then it is
going to be destroyed, because once you have loved a woman, then
the sex appeal disappears -- because the sex appeal is only with
the unknown. Once you have tasted the body of the woman or the
man, then the sex appeal disappears.
If your love was only sex appeal then it is bound to disappear.
So never misunderstand love for something else. If love is
really love.... What do I mean when I say 'really love'? I mean
that just being in the presence of the other you feel suddenly
happy, just being together you feel ecstatic, just the very
presence of the other fulfills something deep in your heart...
something starts singing in your heart, you fall into harmony.
Just the very presence of the other helps you to be together;
you become more individual, more centered, more grounded. Then
it is love.
Love is not a passion, love is not an emotion. Love is a very
deep understanding that somebody somehow completes you. Somebody
makes you a full circle. The presence of the other enhances your
presence. Love gives freedom to be yourself; it is not
possessiveness. So, watch. Never think of sex as love, otherwise
you will be deceived.
Be alert, and when you start feeling with someone that just the
presence, the pure presence -- nothing else, nothing else is
needed; you don't ask anything -- just the presence, just that
the other is, is enough to make you happy... something starts
flowering within you, a thousand and one lotuses bloom...
then you are in love, and then you can pass through all the
difficulties that reality creates. Many anguishes, many
anxieties -- you will be able to pass all of them, and your love
will be flowering more and more, because all those situations
will become challenges. And your love, by overcoming them, will
become more and more strong.
Love is eternity. If it is there, then it goes on growing and
growing. Love knows the beginning but does not know the end.
Related Osho Article:
Osho on what is Love
Marriage and Friendship
Osho - How
to drop Judging People
discourse on Love - Am I in Love
Osho on Life in a marriage and its
Osho - Why do you ask people to get
What is Jealousy and why does it Hurt so much
I very much doubt my wife. What should I do
Relationships and learn how to Relate
Osho on importance of
Commitment in a Relationship
Relationship between Living Partners and Growth
Problems of Love - In my relationship I often
lose my Self
relating with people, Relationship is not relating
Cannot one ever find a Perfect Partner in Marriage?
Osho on Men living
(love) with two women at the same time
Osho - Before you can Love Yourself you
have to know yourself
Aloneness - We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone
Osho on hell of living with a woman and
the hell of living without a woman
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