Osho on Relationship and problems of Love
Question: In my relationship I
often lose my self and start feeling Closed in. What can I do?
Osho : This is one of the
fundamental problems of love. Every lover has to learn it,
nobody knows it by birth. It only comes slowly slowly and
through much pain, but the sooner it comes, the better -- that
each person needs his or her own space, that we should not
interfere in that space. To interfere is very natural for
lovers, because they start taking the other for granted. They
start thinking that they are no more separate. They don't think
of 'I' and 'thou'; they start thinking of 'we'. You are that
too, but only once in a while.
'We' is a rare phenomenon. Once, for a few moments, lovers come
to that point where the word is meaningful, where you can say
'we', when 'I' and 'thou' disappear into each other, where
boundaries overlap. But these are rare moments; they should not
be taken for granted. You cannot remain 'we' twenty-four hours a
day, but that's what
every lover demands -- and that creates unnecessary misery. When
you come close once in a while you become one, but those are
rare moments, precious, to be cherished, and you cannot make
them a twenty-four-hour thing.
If you try, you will destroy them; then the whole beauty will be
lost. When that moment is gone, it is gone; you are again 'I'
and 'thou'. You have your space, she has her space. And one has
to be respectful now, that the other's space should not be in
any way interfered with; it should not be trespassed. If you
trespass it, you hurt the other; you start destroying the
other's individuality. And because the other loves you, she or
he will go on tolerating it.
But toleration is one thing; it is not something very beautiful.
If the other is only tolerating it, then sooner or later the
other will take revenge. The other cannot forgive you and it
goes on accumulating -- one day, another day, another day....
You have interfered with a thousand and one things, then they
all pile up, and then one day they explode. That's why lovers go
on fighting. That fight is because of this constant
interference. And when you interfere in her being, she tries to
interfere in your being, and nobody feels good about it.
For example, she is feeling happy and you will feel left alone
because you are not feeling happy. You will feel as if you have
been cheated. 'Why is she feeling happy?' You should both feel
happy -- that is your idea. That happens once in a while. But
sometimes it happens that she is happy, you are not happy or you
are happy and she is not
happy. We have to understand it, that the other has every right
to be happy without one... even though it hurts. You would like
to participate but you are not in the mood.
If you insist, all that you can do is: you can destroy her
happiness... and you are both losers in that way, because if you
destroy her happiness, when you are happy alone she will destroy
your happiness. Slowly slowly, rather than becoming friends, we
turn into enemies. The basic requirement is: the other has to be
given absolute freedom to be herself. If she is happy, feel good
-- she is happy; if you can be happy and participate in her
If you cannot, leave her alone. If she is sad, if you can
participate in her sadness, good. If you cannot participate and
you want to sing a song and you are feeling happy, leave her
alone. Don't drag her according to you; leave her to herself.
Then slowly slowly a great respect arises for each other. That
respect becomes the foundation of the temple of love.
Related Osho Article:
Osho Videos on Love
Osho on what is Love
Osho on Marriage
Osho - How to drop Judging People
Love - What does Love Mean
Osho discourse on
Love - Am I in Love
Commitment in a Relationship
Osho - why do you ask people to get
What is Jealousy and why does it Hurt so much
I very much doubt my wife. What should I do
Relationships and learn how to Relate
Osho on importance of
Commitment in a Relationship
Osho on Relationship
between Living Partners and Growth
Difficulty in relating
with people, Relationship is not relating
Osho - Before
you can Love Yourself you have to know yourself
Osho on Aloneness -
We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone
Osho on hell of living with
a woman and the hell of living without a woman
Why is it so difficult and scary to
show your Feelings and Just to be Yourself?
If love becomes
destroyed in Marriage, how are we to Live if we wish to share love
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