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Osho on Life in a marriage and its Problem

Question: I am a Married Man with three children and with all the Problems of a married man's life. My wife is constantly at my Throat. We are together only for the sake of the children; Otherwise, each moment is a nightmare. Is there any chance of my Escaping hellfire?

Osho : I will tell you one story:
A man was arraigned before an Arkansas justice on a charge of obtaining money under false pretenses. The judge looked at him thoughtfully. "Your name is Jim Moore?"
"Yes, sir."
"You are charged with a crime that merits a long term in the penitentiary?"
"Yes, sir."
"You are guilty of that crime?"
The man squared his shoulders doggedly. "I am."
"You ask me for mercy?"
"No, sir."
The judge smiled grimly. "You have had a great deal of trouble within the last two years?"
"I have."
"You have often wished you were dead?"
"I have, please Your Honor."
"You wanted to steal enough money to take you far away from Arkansas?"
"You are right, Judge."
"If a man had stepped up and shot you as you entered the store, you would have said,'Thank
you, sir'?"
"Why, yes, I would. But, Judge, how in the world did you find out so much about me?"
"Some time ago," said the Judge, with a solemn air, "I divorced my wife. Shortly afterwards you married her. The result is conclusive. I discharge you. Here, take this fifty dollar bill. You have suffered enough."

You need not be worried about hell. You have suffered enough. You are already in it. You can only go to heaven, because nothing else is left. Celibates may go to hell, but you cannot. You have suffered enough. Celibates may need a little taste of suffering, but not you. In fact, there is no hell somewhere else and no heaven either. Hell is here, heaven is here. Hell and heaven are your ways of being. They are your ways of living. You can live in such a way that the whole life is a benediction. But don't go on throwing the responsibility only on your wife.

In the first place it is you who have chosen her. Why have you chosen such a wife who is constantly at your neck? And do you think, if you are divorced, you will not again choose another woman of the same type? If you ask psychologists they will say you will again choose the same type of woman. You needed it; it is your own choice. You cannot live without misery. You think your wife is creating misery? It is because you wanted to live in misery -- that's why you have chosen this woman. You will again choose the same type of woman.

You will only become attracted to the same type of woman, unless you drop your old mind completely. Except our own minds, there is no other way to change or transform. You must be thinking that if you divorce this woman things will be good. You are wrong, you are utterly wrong. You don't know a thing about human psychology. You will get trapped again. You will search for a woman again; you will miss this woman very much. She will miss you, you will miss her. You will again find the same type of person; you will be attracted only to that kind of person.

Watch your mind. And then, she cannot only be at fault. You must be doing something to her too. It is your statement; I don't know her statement. It will be unfair to the poor woman if I accept your statement about her totally. You may be fifty percent right, but what about the other fifty percent? You must be supplying fuel to the fire. And if life was so ugly, why have you given birth to three children? Who is responsible for that? Why have you brought three souls into the ugly world of your family, into the nightmare that you are living?

Why? Can't you have any love for your children? People go on reproducing without thinking at all of what they are doing. If your life is such a hell, at least you could have prevented your children from falling into the trap of your misery. You would have saved them! Now, those three children are being brought up by two persons like you and your wife. They will learn ways and means from you, and they will perpetuate you in the world. When you are gone, you will still be here in the world creating hell.

Those children will perpetuate, they will keep the continuity of your stupid ways of living, miserable ways of living. Now your boy will find a woman just like your wife -- who else? -- because he will know only this woman. He will love his mother, and whenever he falls in love with a woman, it simply means that woman reminds him of his mother. Now again the same game will be played. Maybe you have chosen your wife according to your mother; your father and your mother were playing the same game that you are playing, and your children will perpetuate the same structure and the same gestalt. That's how miseries persist.

At least you could have saved these three children's lives, and you could have saved the future of humanity, because the ripple that you have created will go on and on. Even when you are gone it will be there. Whatsoever you do abides. Whatsoever ripples you create in the ocean of life remain; you disappear. It is like throwing a stone in a silent lake: the stone falls deep into the lake, disappears, goes to the bottom and rests there, but the ripples that have been created, they go on spreading towards the shores.

And the ocean of life knows no shores, so those waves go on and on, forever and forever. At least you could have been a little more alert not to produce children. And it is never late. Still life can be changed -- but don' t hope that your wife should change. That is the wrong approach. You change. Change radically. Stop doing things that you have always been doing. Start doing things that you have never done. Change radically, become a new person, and you will be surprised. When you become a new person, your wife becomes a new person.

She will have to, to respond to you. In the beginning she will find it hard because it will be almost like living with another husband, but slowly, slowly she will see that if you can change, why can't she? Never hope that the other should change. In every relationship start the change from your side. Life can still become a paradise; it is never too late. But great courage is needed to change. All that is really needed is a little more awareness. De-automatize your behavior; just watch What you have been doing up to now.

You do the same thing, and the wife reacts in the same way. It has become a settled pattern. Watch any husband and wife -- they are almost predictable. In the morning the husband will spread his newspaper and start reading, and the wife will say the same thing that she has been saying for years, and the husband will react in the same way. It has become almost structured, programmed. Just small changes, and you will be surprised. Tomorrow, don't sit in your chair early in the morning and start reading your paper.

Just start cleaning the house, and see what happens. Your wife will be wide-eyed, and she will not be able to believe what has happened to you. Smile when you see your wife, hug, and see how she is taken aback. You have never hugged her. Years have passed, and you have never looked into the poor woman's eyes. Tonight, just sit in front of her, look into her eyes. She will think in the beginning that you have gone crazy, you have become a Rajneesh freak or something, but don't be worried. Just hold her hand and be ecstatic.

If you cannot be, at least pretend. Be ecstatic. Sometimes it happens that if you start pretending, it starts happening! Just start smiling, for no reason at all, and watch. Your poor woman may have a heart attack! You have not been holding her hand -- do you remember since how long? Have you ever taken her for a morning walk? Or when the moon is full, have you taken her for a walk in the night under the stars? She is also human, she also needs love. But particularly people in India go on using women as if they are just servants.

Their whole work consists of taking care of the children and the kitchen and the house, as if that's their whole life. Have you respected your wife as a human being? Then, if anger arises, it is natural. If she feels frustrated -- because her life is running out and she has not known any joy, she has not known any bliss, she has not known anything that can give meaning and significance to her life.... Have you just sat by her side sometimes, silently, just holding her hand, not saying a word, just feeling her, and letting her feel you? No, that is not done in India at all.

Wives and husbands have only one kind of communication : quarreling. I have been acquainted with thousands of Indian families, I have stayed with thousands of Indian families. While I was traveling all over the country I was staying with so many families that I have come to know almost all kinds of families, but very rarely have I seen husbands and wives respectful to each other. Using each other, exploiting each other, reducing each other to things, but never respecting each other's divinity -- then this hell is created.

Don't think that only your wife is responsible. She may be, but that is not the point, because she has not asked the question. You have asked the question. Start changing your life. Give the poor woman a little feeling of significance. Give the little woman a little feeling that she is needed. Do you know the greatest need in life is to be needed? And unless a person feels that he or she is needed, his or her life remains meaningless, desert-like.  Laugh with her, listen to music together, go for a holiday in the Himalayas.

Caress her body, because bodies start shrinking when nobody caresses them. Bodies start becoming ugly when nobody looks with appreciation. And then you think, "Why is my wife not beautiful?" You are not creating the climate in which beauty flowers, blooms. If you love a person, the person immediately becomes beautiful! Love is such an alchemical process. Look at a person with loving eyes, and suddenly you will see his, her aura changing, the face becoming radiant, more blood coming to the face, eyes becoming more shiny, radiance, intelligence -- and like a miracle. Love is a miracle, love is magical. It is not yet too late.

Related Osho Discourses:
Osho on Marriage and Friendship
Osho - why do you ask people to get Married
Osho on importance of Commitment in a Relationship

Osho - Cannot one ever find a Perfect Partner in Marriage?
Osho - Before you can Love Yourself you have to know yourself
First come to terms with one's Loneliness before entering into Relationship
Osho on hell of living with a woman and the hell of living without a woman

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