Difficulty in relating with people, Relationship is not relating
is it so difficult to relate?
Osho: Because you are not yet.
There is an inner emptiness and the fear that if you relate with
somebody, sooner or later you will be exposed as empty. Hence it
seems safer to keep a distance with people; at least you can
pretend you are. You are not. You are not yet born, you are only
an opportunity. You are not yet a fulfillment -- and only two
fulfilled persons can relate. To relate is one of the greatest
things of life: to relate means to love, to relate means to
share. But before you can share, you must have.
And before you can love you must be full of love, overflowing
with love. Two seeds cannot relate, they are closed. Two flowers
can relate; they are open, they can send their fragrances to
each other, they can dance in the same sun and in the same wind,
they can have a dialogue, they can whisper. But that is not
possible for two seeds. Seeds
are utterly closed, windowless -- how to relate? And that is the
situation. Man is born as a seed; he can become a flower, he may
It all depends on you, what you do with yourself; it all depends
on you whether you grow or you don't. It is your choice -- and
each moment the choice has to be faced; each moment you are on
the crossroads. Millions of people decide not to grow. They
remain seeds; they remain potentialities, they never become
actualities. They don't know what self-realization is, they
don't know what self-actualization is, they don't know anything
of being. Utterly empty they live, utterly empty they die. How
can they relate?
It will be exposing yourself -- your nudity, your ugliness, your
emptiness -- safer, it seems, to keep a distance. Even lovers
keep distance; they come only so far, and they remain alert to
when to turn back. They have boundaries; they never cross the
boundaries, they remain confined to their boundaries. Yes, there
is a kind of relationship, but it is not that of relating, it is
that of possession: the husband possesses the wife, the wife
possesses the husband, the parents possess the children, and so
on and so forth. But to possess is not to relate.
In fact to possess is to destroy all possibilities of relating.
If you relate, you respect; you cannot possess. If you
relate, there is great reverence. If you relate, you come very
close, very very close, in deep intimacy, overlapping. Still the
other's freedom is not interfered with, still the other remains
an independent individual. The relationship is that of I-thou,
not that of I-it -- overlapping, interpenetrating, yet in a
Khalil Gibran says: "Be like two pillars that support the same
roof, but don't start possessing the other, leave the other
independent. Support the same roof -- that roof is love."
Two lovers support something invisible and something immensely
valuable: some poetry of being, some music heard in the deepest
recesses of their existence. They support both, they support
some harmony, but still they remain independent. They can expose
themselves to the other, because there is no fear. They know
they ARE. They know their inner beauty, they know their inner
perfume; there is no fear. But ordinarily the fear exists,
because you don't have any perfume. If you expose yourself
you will simply stink. You will stink of jealousies, hatreds,
angers, lust. You will not have the perfume of love, prayer,
compassion. Millions of people have decided to remain seeds.
Why? When they can become flowers and they can also have a dance
in the wind and the sun and the moon, why have they decided to
remain seeds? There is something in their decision: the seed is
more secure than the flower. The flower is fragile; the seed is
not fragile, the seed looks stronger. The flower can be
destroyed very easily; just a strong wind and the petals will
The seed cannot be destroyed so easily by the wind, the seed is
very protected, secure. The flower is exposed -- such a delicate
thing, and exposed to so many hazards: a strong wind may come,
it may rain cats and dogs, the sun may be too hot, some foolish
man may pluck the flower. Anything can happen to the flower,
everything can happen to the flower, the flower is constantly in
danger. But the seed is safe; hence millions of people decide to
remain seeds. But to remain a seed is to remain dead, to remain
a seed is not to live at all.
It is secure, certainly, but it has no life. Death is secure,
life is insecurity. One who really wants to live has to live in
danger, in constant danger. One who wants to reach to the peaks
has to take the risk of getting lost. One who wants to climb the
highest peaks has to take the risk of falling from somewhere,
slipping down. The greater is the longing to grow, the more and
more danger has to be accepted. The real man accepts danger as
his very style of life, as his very climate of growth.
You ask me : "Why is it so difficult to
It is difficult because you are not yet. First be.
Everything else is possible only afterwards: first be. Jesus
says it in his own way: "First seek ye the kingdom of God, then
all else shall be added unto you." This is just an old
expression for the same thing that I am saying:
First be, then all else shall be added
unto you. But being is the basic requirement. If you are,
courage comes as a consequence. If you are, great desire for
adventure, to explore, arises -- and when you are ready to
explore, you can relate. Relating is exploring -- exploring the
other's consciousness, exploring the other's territory. But when
you explore the other's territory, you have to allow and welcome
the other to explore you; it cannot be one-way traffic. And you
can allow the other to explore you only when you have something,
some treasure within you.
Then there is no fear. In fact you invite the guest, you embrace
the guest, you call him in, you want him in. You want him to see
what you have discovered in yourself, you want to share it.
First be, then you can relate -- and remember, to relate is
beautiful. Relationship is a totally different phenomenon;
relationship is something dead, fixed, a full point has arrived.
You get married to a woman; a full point has arrived. Now things
will only decline. You have reached the limit, nothing is
growing any more.
The river has stopped and it is becoming a reservoir.
Relationship is already a thing, complete; relating is a
process. Avoid relationships, and go deeper and deeper into
relating. My emphasis is on verbs, not on nouns; avoid nouns as
much as possible. In language you cannot avoid, that I know; but
in life, avoid -- because life is a verb. Life is not a noun, it
is really "living" not "life." It is not love, it is loving. It
is not relationship, it is relating. It is not a song, it is
singing. It is not a dance, it is dancing.
See the difference, savor the difference. A dance is something
complete; the last touches have been made, now there is nothing
else to do. Something complete is something dead. Life knows no
full point; commas are okay, but no full points. Resting places
are okay, but no destination. Instead of thinking how to relate,
fulfill the first requirement: meditate, be, and then relating
will arise out of it on its own accord. One who becomes silent,
blissful, one who starts having overflowing energies, becomes a
flower, has to relate.
It is not something that he has to learn how to do, it starts
happening. He relates with people, he relates with animals, he
relates with trees, he relates even with rocks. In fact,
twenty-four hours a day he relates. If he is walking on the
earth, he is relating with the earth... his feet touching the
earth, he is relating. If he is swimming in the river he is
relating with the river, and if he is looking at the stars he is
relating with the stars.
It is not a question of a relationship with somebody in
particular. The basic fact is, if you are, your whole life
becomes a relating. It is a constant song, a constant dance, it
is a continuum, a riverlike flow. Meditate, find out your own
center first. Before you can relate with somebody else, relate
with yourself: that is the basic requirement to be fulfilled.
Without it, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible.
Related Osho Article:
Osho on what is Love
Marriage and Friendship
How to drop Judging People
discourse on Love - Am I in Love
Osho- why do you ask
people to get Married
What is Jealousy and why does it Hurt so much
I very much doubt my wife. What should I do
Relationships and learn how to Relate
Osho on importance of
Commitment in a Relationship
Relationship between Living Partners and Growth
Problems of Love - In my relationship I often
lose my Self
come to terms with one's Loneliness before entering into Relationship
Aloneness - We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone
Osho on hell of
living with a woman and the hell of living without a woman
If love becomes
destroyed in Marriage, how are we to Live if we wish to share
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