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on my three month winter holiday to bombay
my parents continue to worry about the frail condition of my body
and my strong aversion to food…i hate to eat during the day
and have a habit to eat once a day only…in the evening
in the morning i always drink twenty cups or a large jug of watery tea
very light with no milk…it was accepted as i grew up in darjeeling
and tea was our favourite beverage…i never ate breakfast nor eat lunch
and my father always bribed me with 10 rupees for every chapatti i ate

i had this odd habit of always eating in a bowl…and if served on a plate
i angrily threw or broke it…and having eaten one bowl of food i adamantly
refused to eat more…i was very stubborn and this was the only way they
could have me eat even if only once a day
although i never became sick my health was a constant worry for my parents
only suffering from strange experiences which they blamed on my eating little

i clearly remember spending one sunday at the beach
making sand castles and breaking them to build bigger ones
enjoying the chat stalls and the horse rides

it is becoming sunset
my body feels tired and i want to go home to sleep
but our friends insist that we stay till it gets dark

i am tired and lie on the sand
can feel the sun setting…the air changing
in my belly a strange heavy vibration from the setting sun

the sound of the ocean waves all day starts to drown into me
i want to go home…and again some strange fear grips me
i feel that i am drowning into the ocean…into the waves

i cannot swim…i start to cry and they finally decide we can go home

home in my room tired and sleepy
it is dark…but the sound of the waves is filling my ears
becoming deeper and deeper
and the fear of drowning keeps me awake

suddenly the room seems to become even darker
and i cannot see anything
i feel the darkness swallow me up
and i can feel that i am falling falling falling falling
endlessly falling and i need to hold onto something quickly

i am sweating with fear and unable to do anything
the falling just continues
i have to get used to this condition

i just need to watch the blue light that i can see at the end of the tube
atleast i can look at it and hold onto that

so much panic but totally helpless
all i can do is to allow whatsoever it is to finish
or to allow me to become unconscious and fall asleep

suddenly all becomes totally silent but i am wide awake
i have never felt such a soft and alive silence before
it is comforting and the blue light is becoming bigger and brighter

i look up to the ceiling
it is full of light
silver blue dots
millions of silver blue dancing dots fill the air

the whole room is vibrating and the walls are moving
i need to leave the room
it is suffocating me and i cannot breathe

i get up and feel completely free
light with wings
gravity has left me completely

i run outside the house
my parents come out as they are woken by the sound of my running
i run towards the huge tree in my garden
it is pulling me like a force that i have never known before

and i want to get close to it
i feel a great peace and calmness descending onto me

it must be 2 am…my parents want me back in my bed
worried about snakes near the trees
i resist and shout and fight with them…that i want to sleep under this tree
i will not go back inside the house tonight

they have the servant stay with me till 6 am
and threaten to take me to the doctor the next day for injections

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