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i pleaded that i did not have enough money for a month and that i would
sincerely do my meditations every day and come back again with money
but to kindly get me my sannyas and mala in a few days
she said that she would think about it and to start the meditations
and with that nod i was taken to the gate and allowed to buy my gate pass

at the gate buying my pass i suddenly realised what laxmi had said
that bhagwan had gone into silence…my heart suddenly collapsed
what did that mean…that i could not see bhagwan
i felt that i would die…and asked a few around what it meant and when
they felt bhagwan would come out again
they seemed perplexed at my questions as if i did not know anything
and the way things moved around here
i was new and eager and excited to see bhagwan
just relax…calm down…just let go…he has his ways
he will come out soon…such chilled cool cats
i saw my anxiety and anxiousness immediately
i needed to learn this new lingo…just hang out and chill
and learn the art of living with ease…go with the flow
i was a quick learner

every morning my only question was is bhagwan coming out
when would he speak again…when could i get my sannyas and mala

everyday once or twice in my head would be piercing thousands of needles
a sweet pain…i would float while walking…i loved doing kundalini
it somehow did the trick to balance the needles in my head
and made me totally drunk

i soon saw that people began to notice me and look at me in a curious way
it was something to do with the effortless glide and slowness of my walk
many came near me and would hug me
many started to whisper and gossip about me…it was all strange for me
i was pure innocence in ecstasy and smiling at everyone i saw
i was in love with all and everything…the air was love
i walked softly treading with grace and reverence for his buddhafield and
felt bhagwan spread into the air the plants and trees and the earth itself
this was his temple…the earth was his heart the air his love
i became more and more sensitive to my footsteps

atleast two weeks pass and no sign of bhagwan
i have grown into the ashram air and feel vast and tall like the trees
but my heart is paining to see him
i cry each night hoping perhaps tomorrow i will be lucky

that tomorrow never came

i was in buddha hall dancing when they announced and asked the audience
of sannyasins if they were happy bhagwan decided to move to america
to loud cheers from everyone…and it was a secret
and they officially announced the next day that it was confirmed that
bhagwan would not come out again and he was moving to america

blackout for me…i was in tears
no more bhagwan in this beautiful poona oasis
where everything was so alive and growing to such a peak
sudden departure…a new beginning for all sannyasins
everyone running to sell their possessions and move to america

i was just in shock again…my heart cried out
i needed to get my financial act together
get a passport…get an american visa
i had nothing at all…i had to join bhagwan in america somehow
whatever it took i was going to make it happen

i had no money left so i took the train third class compartment to delhi
with a new world of problems to face
get a job and earn money to get to america
manage a passport and the impossible american visa

back in delhi…the only thing i had missed were my plants

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